Messing with me is one thing. You really don't want to get the turtle started.

I warned you guys.

We hear you guys like to tell turtle jokes.

So, tell one.

O-o-o-o-o-o-o......scarey.

So....do something.

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.
On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.
Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

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Q: Why did the Turtle cross the road?

A: To get to the shell station.

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Why is turtle wax so expensive?

Turtles have such tiny ears!

@ doc oh man  i'm in  stiches

Russ Hinze was a very well known Queensland State Minister for Roads. He was a "giant of a man" and besides being well known for his political activities was of a large stature with a head firmly and closely attached to his shoulders (ie. no neck). I am sure that you will be able to substitute some appropriate personality well known in your own country. eg. Drew Carey 

Anyway, the joke.

Russ Hinze and his personal assistant were travelling through the outback of Australia, visiting his constituents. After a long and arduous day of hand shaking and baby kissing they retired to a restaurant for an evening meal. Russ noted Turtle Soup on the menu and recalling such soup from his childhood decided to order same.

After about half an hour and no sign of the soup, Russ sent his assistant into the kitchen to enquire of the delay.

The assistant entered the kitchen to find the chef with cleaver in hand and the turtle sitting on the bench. Enquiring as to the delay the chef informed the assistant that he was having big problems. It seems that each time he brought the cleaver down to sever the unlucky turtles head the turtle withdrew his head into his shell.

The assistant, very quickly taking in the situation offered his help.

"Ok, stand by with the cleaver"

He promptly inserted his finger into the rear end of the turtle. At which "intrusuion" the turtle immediately stuck his head out and the chef was able to sever the head with a single (and humane) blow.

Impressed, the chef enquired of the assistant how he knew that very usefull little trick.

"Well, I do have to put Russ's tie on each morning"

 Good one Patrick! Ouch! Smarts, wot? 

oh lordy oh lordy remind me not to go to that  restaurant

Also Minister for Racing and Police Minister.  I actually met him!  I worked at Qld Police Headquarters in the late seventies, and when the HQ was moved into a brand new building, Russ was there for the grand opening, as was Sir Joh Bjelke Petersen and the infamous Terry Lewis, the then Police Commissioner.

I didn't particularly like them at the time, but they were a darned sight better bunch than Anna Bligh and her cronies.  Now there's an evil bunch of pollies if ever you saw one.

Now if you met Russ in real life, you'd know just how funny that line is.  Not only did Russ have NO neck, his chest started somewhere just below his no neck and tucked in to his pants...

... his was one mighty long belt, I'll tell ya.

ahhh the good 'ol days, the one without the tie is Russ Hinze, and the other one with the tie is Si Joh Bjelke Peterson

That pic must have been taken just after his assistant's finger got broken.